Fringe theatre 07: SMS #86

SMS86 #2 Mark my words — For the sake of peace and quiet I am helping Syd mark J’s words. I hope Syd learns a lesson from this. He is truly the author of unimaginable trouble and strife.

Fringe theatre 06: SMS #85

SMS85#2 Stupid bird is back — After a huge row I managed to settle things down. J said she would put the catapult back in the cupboard provided Syd marked her words. I said I would ensure he complied.

Fringe theatre 05: SMS #84

SMS84#2 Slingshot — Typical, stupid bird. J’s looking for him and I am desperately trying to unimagine him. If I can banish Syd from my mind then maybe the catapult will follow.

Fringe theatre 04: SMS #83

SMS83#2 — Flee Syd, flee. It seems the best option. He needs to find safe harbour elsewhere. Wait till the dust settles and then come home quietly. I can’t imagine life without him, but it’s best to do just that.

Fringe theatre 03: SMS #82

SMS82#2 — She heard all right and now she is looking for Syd. I said he’s just a figment of my imagination. She said so’s the catapult.

Fringe theatre 02: SMS #81

SMS81 #2 Blue in the face — He said it alright. Said J looks like an onion. I told him off till I was blue in the face. He flew off shrieking that Red Beaks are protected.

Fringe theatre 01: SMS# 80

Sms80 #2 — Calamity, just calamity. I hope he didn’t say it, and if he did, I hope J didn’t hear him. There’s trouble brewing if she did.

Park Inn arrival: SMS #79

SMS79 #2Park Inn arrival — From the archive: Park Inn, near Heathrow, the check-in ahead of us had four large matching bags. We had two back packs. The bell-hop identified us as CNHS (clearly not his sort) and didn’t race over with a trolley.

Chainsawed: SMS #78

SMS78#2 Chain sawed — No more space station, back to the Mp3. Have to wear the hat because of the sticking plaster. Sometimes I wish I could unimagine Syd. Life would be easier without him.

Hacked: SMS #77

SMS77#2 Hacked — Bit of a nightmare last night and the world seems different this morning. Trying to figure out what has changed. Maybe I have been hacked.

Off to sleep: SMS #76

SMS76 #2 Off to sleep — It’s amazing at night. Really good reception; every time the space station goes over head, I get Major Tom clear as a bell, and still no batteries. I think J is happy for me.

Across the Tasman on STS Tenacious

The barque STS Tenacious left Melbourne, Australia, with me onboard, on Monday 4 December at about 1100 hours, bound for Auckland, New Zealand. Before arriving in Melbourne, the ship had sailed out from Southampton in the United Kingdom. Her departure from Melbourne was the beginning of the long trek back home via Cape Horn and the Falkland Islands.

I was on Tenacious because the Jubilee Sailing Trust emailed offering a berth for the voyage from Melbourne through to Auckland. I had just six days to get it together and fly across to join the ship. Getting it together was a bit of a mission, not least because of the travel insurance requirement. None of the readily available providers did other than draw breath and then decline as I described the voyage and the ship.

To read the full story, go to Tenacious: Melbourne to Auckland

What a victory: SMS #75

SMS75 #2What a victory — What a victory. J agreed I could continue with the perm stuff until the end. And that won’t be anytime soon. After all, ‘perm’ is short for permanent. So, take that.

Still meeting: SMS #74

SMS74 #2 Still meeting

Arrival in Bayonne 2019: SMS #73

SMS 73 #2Arrival in Bayonne 2019 — I have been told to stop banging on about the perm. So here from the archive is *Arriving in Bayonne in the Pouring Rain.* Now I am off to have a ‘discussion’ with the editor. And we all know how that will end up.

I wonder what J is thinking: SMS #72

SMS72#2 I wonder what J thinks — I told J that I could hear Major Tom every so often. She said she could fix that. Not sure what she is going to do?

Major Tom: SMS #71

SMS71#2 Major Tom — Perms are really easy to manage, and best of all this one lets me tune into the space station every time it goes over head. Magic really. No batteries needed.

Left behind: SMS# 70

SMS70#3 Left behind — From the archive. Reg fancied a quick coffee but it all turned pear-shaped. The coffee ended up as sidewalk varnish.

From the archive: SMS #69

SMS69#2 NYFD rear cab — From the archive. This is the rear cab of a NYFD fire truck. Rear drivers are carefully selected to ensure only followers are employed.

From the archive: SMS #68

SMS68 #2 Canadian train behing trees — From the archive. The train is heading for Toronto. This is not the view we got because we were in the train. When you see posters of trains travelling through mighty landscapes remember the view from the train is much less vast. There again we liked the trains in Canada; rushing through the night, being called for dinner, seated then served and leaving the washing up to others.

Home perm: SMS #67

SMS67#2 Home perm — J said the home perm kit had to be used. I said I wasn’t all that thrilled. She said even though it’s called a perm, it will grow out. I asked how long, she said about six feet. Sydney keeps shouting curly at me. I am trying to imagine life without him. Stupid bird.

Wrong list: SMS #66

SMS66#2 Wrong list

Calamity, calamity. Sydney had found a shopping list, but not the shopping list. J looked at the home perm kit and then looked at me. After a time she said, well this won’t go to waste. Stupid bird. How could I have been so gullible.

Shopper of the year: SMS #65

SMS65 #2 Shopper of the year — Shopper of the year has a ring to it. I got everything on the list, even the home perm and fringe management stuff. Yes, shopper of the year, that’s me.

Sydney saves the day: SMS #64

SMS64#2 Sydney saves the day — I dropped the list, oh what a calamity. Like a bolt from the blue, Syd found it. What a bird, what a bird. I managed to catch him smiling, and in flight, and with his legs tucked under his bottom. Truly Syd leaves me in awe.

I found my phone: SMS #61b

SMS61b #2 Found phone — I found my phone, I found my phone. Well alright Syd, it wasn’t actually me. It was the Sushi woman, the shoe sales lady, the security guy and, the cleaner at the J’ville food court. Oh, the relief.

Lost phone: SMS #61a

SMS61a #2 Lost phone — I’ve lost my phone and that’s not the all of it. Sydney’s got his feet sticking out the front. He said he was using them as air brakes, thus preventing me from getting a nasty whack on the back of the head. He said he learnt that in Toronto. I said he didn’t go to Toronto.
The long and the short of it, my phone is lost and Sydney is squawking at me. Sometimes I think the top of my head will explode. If only help were at hand.

Don’t lose the list: SMS #63

SMS63 #2 Sydney needs to learn when to shut up

Yes well, J really got stuck into me about not losing the list. Syd was banging on about it too. Getting it from both sides was a bit much. I was tempted to ask J what she was doing about her fringe. As for Sydney, hmm, better not to ask.

The list: SMS #62

SMS62#2 The list — Setting off shopping was a doddle except that I forgot the list. I felt a real chump. Sydney didn’t help. He’s always bleating on about something, couldn’t quite make it out.

Guffaws: SMS #61

SMS61 #2 Guffaws — Well, I told J that Sydney had returned. She said Sydney who? I said Sydney Seagull, you know our redbeak friend. Well she said, imagine that, then she seemed to wander off guffawing. I just can’t fathom her sometimes. Anyway, turns out I have to go shopping.

Sydney’s back: SMS #60

SMS60 #2 Syd's back — Well he is back. What a story. He didn’t make it to Canada, got caught in a northerly and mistook the Remutakas for the Rockies. Ended up in Featherston, thinking it was Toronto (apparently not a common mistake). Still I am so pleased to see him. I imagine he probably had a very tough time, though his plumage is in good shape. I must tell him to tone down the squawks while I work out how to tell J of his return.

Fish and chips, and Sydney: SMS #59

SMS59 #2 Fish & chips, and Sydney — Great news. Syd’s on his way back from Canada, and J is thrilled that she will shortly cease being fringe theatre. Just by-the-by, J has no idea Syd is on his way home.

From the archive: SMS #58

SMS58#2 Paris apartment

This is the Paris apartment we rented for about three months back in 2014. It was small. To give you an idea of size, the bed was bigger than the kitchen. The apartment was five floors up (no lift) and, being in the ceiling, would have been where the hired help lived. It was though, in the 5th. If you want to know more the go to More travel, less travail.

Jolt, not dolt: SMS #57

SMS57 #2 Jolt, not dolt — I didn’t say dolt. I said jolt, as in earthquake just now.

Yodelling redbeak: SMS #56

SMS56 Yodelling redbeak

Technological changes: SMS #55

SMS55 #2 Technological changes

Reading the memo: SMS #54

SMS54 #2 Reading the memo — A change in the cartoonist?

Memo to all shareholders, staff, and the cartoonist

As promised this is the announcement I signalled to you yesterday. I am excited to announce the Morning Squawk will now be published on Instagram sydneysquawk (no caps, no gaps) as well as on https://redbeakdiaries.com/ which is probably where you are reading this.

Thank you to those who contacted me following yesterday’s letter about today’s announcement. I was surprised at the number who believed there would be a change in cartoonist. This cannot happen because any sacking of the current cartoonist would result in him spending more time with his family. Imagine.

From the editor

Is there any … ? SMS #53

SMS53 #2I s there any you know what — Is there any … you know what?

From the editor

Good morning. Following a robust policy and operational discussion, the management team has decided to make a major change with the Morning Squawk section of our publications holdings. A full disclosure of the changes (and they will be substantial) will be made at 9 am tomorrow.

In the meantime the advice of the directors is to retain individual shareholding and not be tempted by the ludicrous offerings currently being made. Please be assurred that there is no truth to the rumour that the shares will soon be downgraded to junk bond status.

I apologise for this morning’s cartoon – there again I have felt like appologising for the cartoons on a number of occassions.

With kind regards

The editor

Ps No there isn’t any ‘you know what’ – the dolt forgot to buy it.

An update on Spiky

Spiky is a rescue lemon, transplanted in 2017 from friends M & A’s garden to make way for a kitchen renovation. Rather than see him relegated to the compost, we thought we’d try relocating him. For more, see Spiky the rescue lemon.