Chummy and I front up: SGV 014

Vacancy? Cartoonist? What a hoot! And she missed out the ‘n’. I’ll give her a ribbing about that once Chummy has fessed up to the whopper. That sign will be gone before lunch. Now, you go in first Chummy.

It’s the putting right that counts: SGV 013

Chummy is very sorry for telling J a shopper. She is determined to put things right. We’re going to tell J together. Chummys a brave wee thing at heart.

Hens don’t crow! SGV 012

Chummy *did* say ‘that’s a dopey hair do’! Hens don’t crow! Chummy told a whopper and I’m the one being punished.

Maybe a hair cut will help: SGV 011

J’s as grumpy as all get out. Chummy just bangs on. It’s a series of disasters connected by misfortunes. Maybe a haircut will clear my head.

Under the bus: SGV 010

Chummy’s off the hook. Nothing but a clucker from way back. Me though? I am firmly wedged under the bus. Publish *and* perish, didn’t think of that!!

The bus is on its way: SGV 009

Chummy says she said ‘cock-a-doodle-doo’ not ‘what a dopey hair do’. And she reckons I said ‘publish or perish’. Talk about chucking me under the bus!

Summoned to a meeting: SGV 008

Chummy asked me to come with her. No idea what it is about.

Going rogue: SGV 007

Publish or perish. Chummy and I agreed that J is an editor, not a censor

Red-carded: SV 006

Still not published: SGV 005

Red-penned: SGV 004

Chummy is imaginary: SGV 003

What a nightmare. Chummy the chook doesn’t want to be chicken tonight. I said it wouldn’t happen because she is imaginary, as in not real. Chummy is very confused.

Exploding phone? SGV 002

Forget 60, it’s gone to 81. I read that if it gets to 100 the phone explodes. Where’s Syd? He’d know what to do. J’s no use, just keeps muttering we are having chicken tonight.

Syd’s gone viral: SGV 001

Sixty, can you believe 60. Syd’s gon viral and he’s hopped off somewhere. What a calamity.

Gone but not forgotten: SS015

Syd’s gone. J and I are very worried. We can only hope for the best. It is so difficult to imagine life without him.

Syd’s hopped it: SS014

Revolting chooks & editors: SS013

Chooked: SS012

Disgruntled chooks: SS011

A snitcher: SS010

Chooks: SS009

Still confused: SS008

After hours of instruction, the sparrows remain as confused as ever.

Losing heads: SS007

I hope J doesn’t see this. I am not following Syd. No idea who the heck is following me. We seem to have lost our heads.

Confused: SS006

The sparrows are very confused. They just don’t get stride and strut.

Time to unimagine: SS005

The sooner you unimagine that bird the better. He can’t spell. Nothing but trouble and strife.

Fiddlesticks: SS004

Fiddlesticks. Thinks he’s superior, all because Red Beaks don’t hop. Says they stride and strut. And the fool can’t spell. Just fiddlesticks.

Red Beaks superior? SS003

Red Beaks are superior because they stride and strut, not hop like sparrows.

Shouting, shouting: SS002

Shouting at everyone: ‘Stride and strut, stride and strut’.

A bee in the bonnet: SS001

Syd’s got a bee in his bonnet. I wonder if he’s running a temperature.

Announcement 2

Announcement

Fringe theatre 07: SMS #86

SMS86 #2 Mark my words — For the sake of peace and quiet I am helping Syd mark J’s words. I hope Syd learns a lesson from this. He is truly the author of unimaginable trouble and strife.

Fringe theatre 06: SMS #85

SMS85#2 Stupid bird is back — After a huge row I managed to settle things down. J said she would put the catapult back in the cupboard provided Syd marked her words. I said I would ensure he complied.

Fringe theatre 05: SMS #84

SMS84#2 Slingshot — Typical, stupid bird. J’s looking for him and I am desperately trying to unimagine him. If I can banish Syd from my mind then maybe the catapult will follow.

Fringe theatre 04: SMS #83

SMS83#2 — Flee Syd, flee. It seems the best option. He needs to find safe harbour elsewhere. Wait till the dust settles and then come home quietly. I can’t imagine life without him, but it’s best to do just that.

Fringe theatre 03: SMS #82

SMS82#2 — She heard all right and now she is looking for Syd. I said he’s just a figment of my imagination. She said so’s the catapult.

Fringe theatre 02: SMS #81

SMS81 #2 Blue in the face — He said it alright. Said J looks like an onion. I told him off till I was blue in the face. He flew off shrieking that Red Beaks are protected.

Fringe theatre 01: SMS# 80

Sms80 #2 — Calamity, just calamity. I hope he didn’t say it, and if he did, I hope J didn’t hear him. There’s trouble brewing if she did.

Park Inn arrival: SMS #79

SMS79 #2Park Inn arrival — From the archive: Park Inn, near Heathrow, the check-in ahead of us had four large matching bags. We had two back packs. The bell-hop identified us as CNHS (clearly not his sort) and didn’t race over with a trolley.

Chainsawed: SMS #78

SMS78#2 Chain sawed — No more space station, back to the Mp3. Have to wear the hat because of the sticking plaster. Sometimes I wish I could unimagine Syd. Life would be easier without him.

Hacked: SMS #77

SMS77#2 Hacked — Bit of a nightmare last night and the world seems different this morning. Trying to figure out what has changed. Maybe I have been hacked.

Off to sleep: SMS #76

SMS76 #2 Off to sleep — It’s amazing at night. Really good reception; every time the space station goes over head, I get Major Tom clear as a bell, and still no batteries. I think J is happy for me.

Across the Tasman on STS Tenacious

The barque STS Tenacious left Melbourne, Australia, with me onboard, on Monday 4 December at about 1100 hours, bound for Auckland, New Zealand. Before arriving in Melbourne, the ship had sailed out from Southampton in the United Kingdom. Her departure from Melbourne was the beginning of the long trek back home via Cape Horn and the Falkland Islands.

I was on Tenacious because the Jubilee Sailing Trust emailed offering a berth for the voyage from Melbourne through to Auckland. I had just six days to get it together and fly across to join the ship. Getting it together was a bit of a mission, not least because of the travel insurance requirement. None of the readily available providers did other than draw breath and then decline as I described the voyage and the ship.

To read the full story, go to Tenacious: Melbourne to Auckland

What a victory: SMS #75

SMS75 #2What a victory — What a victory. J agreed I could continue with the perm stuff until the end. And that won’t be anytime soon. After all, ‘perm’ is short for permanent. So, take that.

Still meeting: SMS #74

SMS74 #2 Still meeting

Arrival in Bayonne 2019: SMS #73

SMS 73 #2Arrival in Bayonne 2019 — I have been told to stop banging on about the perm. So here from the archive is *Arriving in Bayonne in the Pouring Rain.* Now I am off to have a ‘discussion’ with the editor. And we all know how that will end up.

I wonder what J is thinking: SMS #72

SMS72#2 I wonder what J thinks — I told J that I could hear Major Tom every so often. She said she could fix that. Not sure what she is going to do?

Major Tom: SMS #71

SMS71#2 Major Tom — Perms are really easy to manage, and best of all this one lets me tune into the space station every time it goes over head. Magic really. No batteries needed.

Left behind: SMS# 70

SMS70#3 Left behind — From the archive. Reg fancied a quick coffee but it all turned pear-shaped. The coffee ended up as sidewalk varnish.

From the archive: SMS #69

SMS69#2 NYFD rear cab — From the archive. This is the rear cab of a NYFD fire truck. Rear drivers are carefully selected to ensure only followers are employed.

From the archive: SMS #68

SMS68 #2 Canadian train behing trees — From the archive. The train is heading for Toronto. This is not the view we got because we were in the train. When you see posters of trains travelling through mighty landscapes remember the view from the train is much less vast. There again we liked the trains in Canada; rushing through the night, being called for dinner, seated then served and leaving the washing up to others.

Home perm: SMS #67

SMS67#2 Home perm — J said the home perm kit had to be used. I said I wasn’t all that thrilled. She said even though it’s called a perm, it will grow out. I asked how long, she said about six feet. Sydney keeps shouting curly at me. I am trying to imagine life without him. Stupid bird.

Wrong list: SMS #66

SMS66#2 Wrong list

Calamity, calamity. Sydney had found a shopping list, but not the shopping list. J looked at the home perm kit and then looked at me. After a time she said, well this won’t go to waste. Stupid bird. How could I have been so gullible.

Shopper of the year: SMS #65

SMS65 #2 Shopper of the year — Shopper of the year has a ring to it. I got everything on the list, even the home perm and fringe management stuff. Yes, shopper of the year, that’s me.

Sydney saves the day: SMS #64

SMS64#2 Sydney saves the day — I dropped the list, oh what a calamity. Like a bolt from the blue, Syd found it. What a bird, what a bird. I managed to catch him smiling, and in flight, and with his legs tucked under his bottom. Truly Syd leaves me in awe.

I found my phone: SMS #61b

SMS61b #2 Found phone — I found my phone, I found my phone. Well alright Syd, it wasn’t actually me. It was the Sushi woman, the shoe sales lady, the security guy and, the cleaner at the J’ville food court. Oh, the relief.

Lost phone: SMS #61a

SMS61a #2 Lost phone — I’ve lost my phone and that’s not the all of it. Sydney’s got his feet sticking out the front. He said he was using them as air brakes, thus preventing me from getting a nasty whack on the back of the head. He said he learnt that in Toronto. I said he didn’t go to Toronto.
The long and the short of it, my phone is lost and Sydney is squawking at me. Sometimes I think the top of my head will explode. If only help were at hand.

Don’t lose the list: SMS #63

SMS63 #2 Sydney needs to learn when to shut up

Yes well, J really got stuck into me about not losing the list. Syd was banging on about it too. Getting it from both sides was a bit much. I was tempted to ask J what she was doing about her fringe. As for Sydney, hmm, better not to ask.

The list: SMS #62

SMS62#2 The list — Setting off shopping was a doddle except that I forgot the list. I felt a real chump. Sydney didn’t help. He’s always bleating on about something, couldn’t quite make it out.

Guffaws: SMS #61

SMS61 #2 Guffaws — Well, I told J that Sydney had returned. She said Sydney who? I said Sydney Seagull, you know our redbeak friend. Well she said, imagine that, then she seemed to wander off guffawing. I just can’t fathom her sometimes. Anyway, turns out I have to go shopping.

Sydney’s back: SMS #60

SMS60 #2 Syd's back — Well he is back. What a story. He didn’t make it to Canada, got caught in a northerly and mistook the Remutakas for the Rockies. Ended up in Featherston, thinking it was Toronto (apparently not a common mistake). Still I am so pleased to see him. I imagine he probably had a very tough time, though his plumage is in good shape. I must tell him to tone down the squawks while I work out how to tell J of his return.

Fish and chips, and Sydney: SMS #59

SMS59 #2 Fish & chips, and Sydney — Great news. Syd’s on his way back from Canada, and J is thrilled that she will shortly cease being fringe theatre. Just by-the-by, J has no idea Syd is on his way home.

From the archive: SMS #58

SMS58#2 Paris apartment

This is the Paris apartment we rented for about three months back in 2014. It was small. To give you an idea of size, the bed was bigger than the kitchen. The apartment was five floors up (no lift) and, being in the ceiling, would have been where the hired help lived. It was though, in the 5th. If you want to know more the go to More travel, less travail.

Jolt, not dolt: SMS #57

SMS57 #2 Jolt, not dolt — I didn’t say dolt. I said jolt, as in earthquake just now.

Yodelling redbeak: SMS #56

SMS56 Yodelling redbeak

Technological changes: SMS #55

SMS55 #2 Technological changes

Reading the memo: SMS #54

SMS54 #2 Reading the memo — A change in the cartoonist?

Memo to all shareholders, staff, and the cartoonist

As promised this is the announcement I signalled to you yesterday. I am excited to announce the Morning Squawk will now be published on Instagram sydneysquawk (no caps, no gaps) as well as on https://redbeakdiaries.com/ which is probably where you are reading this.

Thank you to those who contacted me following yesterday’s letter about today’s announcement. I was surprised at the number who believed there would be a change in cartoonist. This cannot happen because any sacking of the current cartoonist would result in him spending more time with his family. Imagine.

From the editor

Is there any … ? SMS #53

SMS53 #2I s there any you know what — Is there any … you know what?

From the editor

Good morning. Following a robust policy and operational discussion, the management team has decided to make a major change with the Morning Squawk section of our publications holdings. A full disclosure of the changes (and they will be substantial) will be made at 9 am tomorrow.

In the meantime the advice of the directors is to retain individual shareholding and not be tempted by the ludicrous offerings currently being made. Please be assurred that there is no truth to the rumour that the shares will soon be downgraded to junk bond status.

I apologise for this morning’s cartoon – there again I have felt like appologising for the cartoons on a number of occassions.

With kind regards

The editor

Ps No there isn’t any ‘you know what’ – the dolt forgot to buy it.

An update on Spiky

Spiky is a rescue lemon, transplanted in 2017 from friends M & A’s garden to make way for a kitchen renovation. Rather than see him relegated to the compost, we thought we’d try relocating him. For more, see Spiky the rescue lemon.

Tubby boat ferry, Vancouver: SMS #52

SMS52#2 Vancouver a year or three back, one of the tubby boat ferries — From the archive, a few years ago, a tubby boat ferry tootling around False Creek, Vancouver.

Shopping is not easy: SMS #51

SMS51#2Shopping is not easy — Yes, I got the lot. Didn’t miss anything, Men don’t need lists, you know. Toilet paper? No didn’t know we were out of it, you should have told me, given me a list even. It’s not my fault if we run out of stuff.

Who cares about lists: SMS #50

SMS50#2 Who needs a list — List, list, who cares about lists. I think I have got everthing.

He forgot the list: SMS #49

SMS49#2 He forgot the list — Shopping huh, first time in over 40 days and the dolt forgot to take the list.

It was all just a nightmare: SMS #48

SMS48 #2 It was a nightmare, the fringe is still there — Oh glory be, her fringe is untouched, oh the relief to find it was all a nightmare. The scissors, the cutting, and all a bad dream. If it had all happened, then the final cut would be in the offing, and it wouldn’t be me with the scissors.

It has to be a nightmare: SMS #47

SMS47 It has to be a nightmare#2 — It has to be a nightmare. No way would I have cut her fringe so it looked like this. No way would I have cut her fringe. Oh please, please, let it be a nightmare. I just want to wake up and find it is all a bad dream.

Fringe problem solved: SMS #46

SMS46 The fringe problem is solved#2 — J solved her fringe problem. All it took was a rubber band and a bit of vertical. I offered to give it a trim but there were no scissors to be found.

Trial pack: SMS #45

SMS45 Trial pack#2 — Felt like a total egg. I was just doing a trial pack of the shopping bags, ready for level 2. J came in and laughed till she fell over. She said I do not need to do a trial pack, she said all I need to do is the shopping. But not yet. Not until level 2. I started to tell her I knew that… But its difficult to… Well never mind.

Shopping bags: SMS #44

SMS44 Shopping bags — Took my shopping bags for a walk this morning. Just a practice. Apparently we are maybe, just maybe, shifting to level 2 and I will be able to go to the shops. By the way, as far as Sydney is concerned, no news is good news. He must be far and away. Maybe he has met a lumber jack, or perhaps he joined the Mounties. Either way things are much more relaxed at home without him.

Thumper & Loppy share a bowl: SMS #43

SMS43 Thumper & Loppy share a bowl#2 — Yes I know, it is one from the archive. Thumper and Loppy were members of the Frog Eyed Peas, a Parisan rock band with a yodeling red beak. . . well, it’s a long story and a bit of a while ago. Unforgettable though. The painting on the wall is a cut out from the Marriage at Canna, the one with Great Grandpa Syd in it . . .

Shambolical, huh! SMS #42

SMS42 Shambolicle huh#2 — Shambolical huh! I googled Shambolical and turns out it is a not word here in NZ. It was used briefly, in Australia, to describe a previous prime minister’s swimming attire, but like him shambolicals have fallen out of the news cycle. It really makes me mad to come up with perfect rejoinders a day late.

Shambolical: SMS #41

SMS41 Shambolicle#2 — J called me shambolical. So unfair. J says the last two squawks have been hopeless and it is time I cut out the funny stuff. Cut out the funny stuff! I said to her that none of my cartoons have ever had any funny stuff in them.

Sleep seemed elusive last night: SMS #40

SMS40 Sleep seemed elusive last night #2 — I slept fitfully and seemed to have the most awful dreams. Something about chasing escaped trackies.

Weird dreams: SMS #39

SMS39 Weird dreams #2 — I guess not even I can understand this one. Maybe I need to wake up.

Desperately seeking Sydney: SMS #38

SMS38 No mention of Sydney #2 — No mention of Sydney on the news

Sausage patties: Cheap, quick and easy

I promised a carrot and apple sausage patty recipe last time when I wrote about omelettes. So here it is: Sausage patties

The colour has gone: SMS #37

SMS37 The colour has gone out of the world #2 — It seems all the colour has drained out of the world. Sydney’s departure is affecting us all. I wonder if I dare bring up J’s fringe?

J is devastated: SMS #36

SMS36 J is devastated #2 — J is devastated over Sydney’s departure. Probably not the best time to mention she needs her fringe cut.

Just a smudge on the horizon: SMS #35

SMS35 Just a far off smudge #2 — Well I watched until I could see him no more. I hope he makes it; Canada though is a long way off. Still, with his undercarriage folded under his stern I reckon he has a much better chance. As Red Beaks go, Syd doesn’t lack courage; brains yes, courage no.

Flying lessons: SMS #34

SMS34 Flying lessons #2 — He is determined to fly to Canada. At very least he needs to fold his undercarriage the other way so his feet stick out the back. I mean, he has webbed feet for goodness sake.

Coffee: SMS #33

SMS33 Coffee#2 — Coffee. All the worry of will it be open or won’t it. It was. I lined up, following the 2-metre rule and got my order, a large latte to go. The first in 35 days . . . Yes, it was as good as I hoped.

Sunrise: SMS #32

SMS32 Sunrise — Looking across the harbour from the top Rangoon street, just in time for sun-up. Day one of level three lockdown. The sun and the promise seemed profound. For us nothing changes: we stay home, we stay safe (though maybe I will walk on and get a takeaway coffee before turning for home).

Letters of complaint: SMS#31

SMS31 Letters of complaint#2 — Good morning to you all
It has been brought to my attention that this cartoon series is seriously flawed. The two major reasons; one the artist can’t draw and it is time to replace him, and two his themes are all over the shop with many loose ends never being tied up.
My response to complaint one: I have informed him (the artist) that many regard him as a talentless layabout. He responded by resigning on the spot. He said it would give him more time to spend with his family. I turned his resignation down flat. Frankly, the prospect of him *spending more time with his family* makes me all shaky.
I have yet to discuss complaint number two with him. I am not sure if I have the fortitude to bring it up.
Yours sincerely
The editor

Canadian fans: SMS #30

SMS30 Canadian fans #2 — Syd’s gone nuts. Apparently, there is a Sydney fan club in Canada. At last he says, I have an international audience. Yes, he says, Australia and all that, but Canada! He is determined to fly off and do some Canadian gigs.
J says there are some attractions in Sydney going off shore. More on that later.

From way back when: SMS #29

SMS29 Performing at the Paris Opera#2 — From way back when: Sydney and the Frog Eyed Peas doing a gig at the Paris Opera. I wonder if that story will ever come to light or is it best left undisturbed?

Lest we forget: SMS #28

SMS28 Anzac day 2020#2 — Lest we forget 2020

Another day in lockdown

I’m enjoying friend M’s daily recounting of life in Covid-19 lockdown at Lockdown Wellington 2020. It’s such strange times. No point in me recounting my days. There’s very little variation from one day to the next to life in the bubble. It’s a matter of hunkering down and getting through. Daily walks were a bit thin on the ground for me for the first couple of weeks or so, but now (because I have a step counter) I’m trying to get an average of 10,000 steps a day. Not too difficult. Even today, when I didn’t go for a walk, I managed over 6000 steps. And that’s because I spent a fair bit of the day in the garden, digging, lifting, shifting in my version of garden musical chairs.

I’m walking rather like tin woman tonight – a combination of today’s gardening on top of a bit of an overstretch (for me) of more than 14,000 steps on Wednesday (though I know that’s chicken feed to my cyclist and serious walker friends). But it wasn’t the step count, per se, that caused the aches but rather the endless steps down from Amritsar to Rangiora Street. I knew it would be tough on the knee but wasn’t quite so prepared for the effect on the calf muscles. Still, I’m grateful I could do it. If you want the details about the gardening musical chairs, check out Haphazard Gardener.

A day of remembrance tomorrow with Anzac Day. Among those we’re remembering is great Uncle George, my grandad’s brother who died in first world war. We have a memorial medallion with his name on it, as was given to all next of kin of service personnel who were killed in the first world war. So young.

Keep safe, everyone, and be kind.